Email Before And After
Email squint test
A few problems with the email on the left. It doesn’t pass the “squint test” (the test that if you squint your eyes, you can still pick out the most important things you want the customer to know, which are 1. This is a good news email, not bad 2. they are getting money and 3. What do they have to do get the money.) Also, the long explanation of how the refund came to be isn’t customer-focused—it’s company-focused.
Email 1
“Congrats” is great, but what is the email about?
The part about them getting back money because they successfully completed the terms of the offer is stuffed in the middle part with unnecessarily formal language like “this is a notification,” “received invoice payments,” and “funds added to your account.”
Explaining why they are getting this refund takes 4 whole lines. The customer cares more about the getting the money than the why. No customer-focused at all.
Email 2
Put the amount in the headline.
First section is very straightforward about how we calculated that amount.
Last section explains the amount is going back to them as part of a promotion they were a part of. Because they fulfilled the obligation (taking their first $100 payment), we are giving them what was promised.
Thank them for being a customer.